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Old Man


Trinedad

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I can't believe I just read both pages of these jokes...... That's 4 minutes of my life I'm never going to get back!!! lol

 

The question is, how many of these jokes are you going to tell on monday morning around the water cooler to your coworkers. If you tell even one, then I say it was time well spent.

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  • 1 month later...

My favorite Steven Wright joke,

 

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer." Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

 

;D

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A man goes to the doctor.  After the doctor finishes checking him out the man says "Doc, I know I've got something bad, so be straight with me.  How long do i have to live?"

 

The doctor replies "Ten."

 

"Ten what?  Years?  Months?  Weeks?"

 

"Nine....Eight..."

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Two friends are out hunting when one grabs his chest and falls over.  The remaining friend grabs his cell phone and dials 911.

 

"I think my friend just fell over dead, what do I do?"

 

The emergency operator replies, "Stay calm.  The first thing you need to do is make sure you're friend really is dead."

 

"OK," the man responds and the operator hears the phone being laid down.  This is followed by a muffled gun shot.

 

"Alright, what's next?"

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Last one, I promise.

 

A middle age man picks up his dream car, a brand new Corvette convertible, at a north side dealership and decides to try it out on I69.  He'd gone a few miles when he noticed flashing police lights in his rear-view mirror.  He looks down and realizes he's driving 80 mph.  Instead of pulling over, he speeds up, but when he gets up to 115 mph he comes to his senses, pulls to the side, and waits on the state patrolman.

 

The office approaches the car, looks at the driver, and says, "It's Friday afternoon.  My shift ends in 20 minutes and I want to get back to the post.  If you can give me a reason you were speeding that i haven't heard before, I'll let you go."

 

The man replies, "Well, officer.  You see, twenty years ago my wife ran off with an Indiana State Policeman.  When I saw your lights in my mirror I was afraid you were bringing her back."

 

"Have a nice day, sir." said the officer as he returned to his vehicle.

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  • 3 weeks later...

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

 

And that's how the fight started.

 

-------------------------------------------

 

My wife walked into the den and asked "What's on the TV?"

I replied "Dust"

 

And that's how the fight started.

 

-------------------------------------------

 

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

 

And that's how the fight started.

 

-------------------------------------------

 

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.?

So I bought her a scale.

 

And that's how the fight started.

 

---------------------------- ---------------

 

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

 

And that's how the fight started.

 

-------------------------------------------

 

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

 

And that's how the fight started.

 

-------------------------------------------

 

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

 

And that's how the fight started.

 

-------------------------------------------

 

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

 

And that's how the fight started

 

 

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wahoo  ;D  I will be revisiting this post several times this holiday weekend!@#%  I have already tried texting several of these.  My thumbs are cramping!  LMAO!!!!  Wahoo's for everyone!

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Farooq was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Farooq. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until Farooq took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Sherry.

That evening, Farooq brought Sherry to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, Farooq Naik started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Sherry and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Sherry batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

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One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, "The morning Eve and I made love for the first time."

 

God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"

 

Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."

 

"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."

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John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.

 

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

 

 

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My buddy loves to fish and this Spring he had decided that he was going to go one Saturday in March.  He had planned every detail and even had the boat hitched to the truck the night before.  That morning he woke and quietly slipped out of bed without waking his wife.  He got in the truck and began to back out of the drive but rain was pouring down.  He reluctantly had a change of heart and thought maybe today was not the day.  He again snuck back into bed without making a sound.  He slipped his arm around his wife and kissed her as he said, "it's raining cats and dogs outside!"  His wife, without even opening her eyes, turned her head slightly and said, "can you believe my husband is out fishing..."

 

That's when the fight started  ;D

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My nephews used to live in LaPorte before they moved to California.  The oldest loved playing baseball and joined a team when he got settled in Cali.  A bully immediately made him a target of his attention.  Being from LaPorte my nephew is also a Cubs fan.  The bully was trying to find a topic for his torment one day when he asked my nephew why he was a Cubs fan anyway.  My nephew replied, "My dad is a Cubs fan.  My mom is a Cubs fan.  I don't know, I am just a Cubs fan I guess."  The bully continues, "What if your dad was a drug dealer and your mom was a crack whore?"  My nephew, without hesitation, replies, "Then I would have to be a Sox fan!" 

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Hola awood2.  I see you did a little search.  These jokes are the best. ;D

 

This goes out to the ladies in the House.

 

 

 

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Cow. That must be my husband!'

 

So the man jumped out of the bed, scared and naked, and jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

 

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

 

 

And that's when the fight started....

 

 

*********************************************************************

 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

 

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

 

'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

 

 

And that's when the fight started....

 

 

***************************************************************************

 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

 

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

 

She said, 'That silverhair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

 

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

 

 

And that's when the fight started....

 

*************************************************************************

 

 

On a sidenote.  Thanks for the moderation on certain posts on this thread.

 

 

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

A guy goes into the confessional box.  He finds on one wall a fully

equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On the other wall is a dazzling

array of the finest Cuban cigars.  Then the priest comes in.

 

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to

confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much

more inviting these days."

 

The priest hollers, "Get out.  You're on my side."    ::)

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