Trinedad Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 An old guy was walking through the woods one day. He looks down and there is a frog sitting in the path that he had choosen this day. Being a nature lover, he leand down scoops up the frog and is about to set it out of harms way. About that time the frog looks up at him, and says " if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful young lady and will live with you for the rest of your days fulfilling all your hearts desires" The old man thinks about this for a moment, and begins to put the frog in his pocket. The frog looks at him and asks " excuse me, but did you not hear what I offered you?" The old man looks at the frog and replies. "yes I did, but at my age, I think it would be more fun to have a talking frog" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drooke Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 So how is the frog doing now WD? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trinedad Posted April 1, 2009 Author Share Posted April 1, 2009 I called her a frog once. I still got the bump on my head from the skillet she threw at me. Anyone else have a clean joke that can be posted on a family discussion board? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
midget5589 Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 haha thats funny, i have another that may or may not be in poor taste...why did the monkey fall out of the tree? because it was dead Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trinedad Posted April 1, 2009 Author Share Posted April 1, 2009 A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something." The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trinedad Posted April 1, 2009 Author Share Posted April 1, 2009 They might produce good wrestlers but...... An Iowan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Iowan is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!" The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the Iowan says, "What's that noise?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trinedad Posted April 1, 2009 Author Share Posted April 1, 2009 Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trinedad Posted April 1, 2009 Author Share Posted April 1, 2009 The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus. "Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!" "No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trinedad Posted April 1, 2009 Author Share Posted April 1, 2009 After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" "Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trinedad Posted April 1, 2009 Author Share Posted April 1, 2009 A little old lady is sitting around her house one day, when there is a knock at the door. She slowly gets up, and makes her way to the door. She opens it to find a man there from a local message delivery company. She asks if she can help him or of he is lost, He says " Ma'am, I have a message for you" She gets an excited look in her eyes, and asks him if he would sing it, that she has always wanted a singing telegram. He says that he is not from that company, and that he cannot carry a tune. The lady pleads with him, to please sing it to her, that it would make her day. The guy looks at the note, and saysPlease ma'am, I would rather not. She tells him that if he sings it, she will give him a bigger tip. Finally he relents and begins. Bu dump de bump da bump.....your sister rose is dead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fearless fly Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 Somebody stop him! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trinedad Posted April 2, 2009 Author Share Posted April 2, 2009 Somebody stop him! Hey it's a topic that with no class in it......... ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcarter Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 I think this topic should be classed! One for good jokes one for bad jokes. ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trinedad Posted April 2, 2009 Author Share Posted April 2, 2009 I think this topic should be classed! One for good jokes one for bad jokes. ;D Are you saying my jokes are bad? Well, a guy only has so many clean jokes. That is why I asked for help from other board members. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcarter Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 Never said they were bad just saying it in the memory of the late, not so great speller......... manvswild1 hahaha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
farmboy215 Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 Some of these are pretty funny ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trinedad Posted April 2, 2009 Author Share Posted April 2, 2009 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To show the armadillo that it was possible. Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide. Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach? A: To get to the other tide. Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trinedad Posted April 2, 2009 Author Share Posted April 2, 2009 Steven Wright on dogs The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. I had a dog once. I spilled spot remover on him, and now he's gone. I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trinedad Posted April 3, 2009 Author Share Posted April 3, 2009 Jesus and Moses are out playing golf one day. Then come to the 17th tee, A par 4, 310 yds. With a small pond protecting the front of the green. Moses pulls out a 3 wood, and hits the ball safely in front of the pond with about a 65 yrd wedge in. Jesus looks, and says, "you know, Jack Nickelus would hit a driver here and go for the green." " Moses looks, at him and says "well yes, but you are not Jack Nickelus" Jesus tees the ball, and hits it right into the pond, Moses walks over parts the pond and retrieves the ball. This happens 2 more times, and each time Moses would walk down, part the water and get Jesus' ball for him. The 4th time Jesus tees it up, Moses tells him " if you hit it in the pond again, you have to go get it." Well, Jesus hits it into the pond again, walks to the pond, begins to walk across the water to get his ball. As he does, the next 4 some comes over a hill and sees Jesus out on the water. They look at Moses and ask, " Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ" To which Moses says, " NO, he is Jesus Christ.......He thnks he is Jack Nickelus" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trinedad Posted April 6, 2009 Author Share Posted April 6, 2009 A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem Officer?" The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?" The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one." "You don't have one?" The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving." The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?" "I'm sorry, I can't do that." The policeman says, "Why not?" "I stole this car." The officer says, "Stole it?" The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner." At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?" "She's in the trunk if you want to see." The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?" "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner." "Murdered the owner?" The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk please?" The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but a spare tire. The officer says, "Is this your car sir?" The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers. The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence." The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner." The man replies, "I bet you the liar told you I was speeding, too!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trinedad Posted April 8, 2009 Author Share Posted April 8, 2009 A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. "That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allyourbase Posted April 10, 2009 Share Posted April 10, 2009 I think this topic should be classed! One for good jokes one for bad jokes. ;D Good point. How do you clear an Iraqi Bingo parlor? Yell ?B52? ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chuckm Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 Did you hear about the fire last night at the circus? It was intense (groan) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trinedad Posted April 12, 2009 Author Share Posted April 12, 2009 Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. ?Where do you live?? asked the operator. Bubba replied, ?At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.? The operator asked, ?Can you spell that for me?? There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, ?How ?bout if I drag her over to Oak Street, and you pick her up from there? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
consecobound Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 I can't believe I just read both pages of these jokes...... That's 4 minutes of my life I'm never going to get back!!! lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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